Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Trust me, it was hard finding appropriate pictures for this post

Let’s face it. Everyone’s going to experience varying degrees of embarrassment in their lifetime. No amount of careful planning or extreme level of avoidance is going to get you through life unscathed by failure, feelings of shame, or unusual amounts of humiliation. If your parents didn’t teach you this at a very early age, then you will have farther to fall, but take comfort in the fact that most of your friends will probably have a good laugh at your expense. It’s your basic win-win situation, with the exception being that it’s much harder to find the “win” as you’re falling than it is for your friends to fist-pump while shaming you with a Sharpie.

You don't have to be the ass in a demotivational poster, but chances are you will.

There are some things, however, that I find shouldn’t need step-by-step instructions or hours of intense research from such renowned resources as Texts From Last Night or ehow.com. Take, for example, women and general gynecological decorum. It should go without saying, or explaining in written form, that when at the gynecologist’s office pretend you’re Roman. No, not dressed in a feather-plumed helmet and ready to conquer lots of countries. But basically, assess your environment and look for cues as to what to do next. Maybe come prepared with a list of questions, but by no means should a gal use this as an opportunity to show off her flexibility, her witty sense of humor, or lack of inhibitions. Perhaps a detailed list IS in order.

1. You don’t have to be laid back, feet up in the stirrups before the doctor even comes in the room. You are not at home or in the corner of a random bar at 3:00 a.m.

2. No matter where your ass is on the exam table, you’re going to be told to scoot down. And scoot down some more. And then maybe one more little scootch. Try not to let air escape from either of your orifices. This is your BIGGEST no-queef/no-fart moment of the year. If you fail in this moment, you will ruin your carefully constructed atmosphere of pretending your girl parts aren’t hanging out in the breeze. Burping is probably okay and even though it’s a little lowbrow, you’re doctor will be mentally thanking you.

3. It’s perfectly natural for some women’s nipples to be erect during the breast exam. But if they look like two uninterested silver dollars, DO NOT pinch them in an attempt to look perky. More than likely, you’ll probably spend this time avoiding your doctor’s eye contact and humming the Sesame Street theme song in your head. Don’t forget to say “monthly” when asked how often you perform a breast exam. Synchronize that word and this moment in your mind and make a silent vow to start performing monthly breast exams. You may think that having a steady partner or just being a ho on a regular basis means this job is done, thereby giving you permission to check it off your list, but you are wrong.

4. When the physical exam is over and the doctor hands you some tissues, avoid taking this as an opportunity to be cute and saying something like, “That’ll be $75!” That’s just going to make you sound cheap. And probably a little disrespectful.

Nice ‘stache. Did you print your medical degree off the Internets?

5. One thing that always seems to come up: questions about your sexual activity. This may include a question like, “Do you have anal sex?” IT’S A LEGITIMATE, HEALTH-RELATED QUESTION! It’s not going to be posed to you like, “Do you ever put the p in your a and then back in your v?” You cannot text in your answer. You should just be honest despite the fact that the nurse is going to call you a skank whore the minute you leave.

I think that’s a pretty comprehensive list and definitely feel like I’m doing my part for the betterment of a younger generation of women….and gynecologists. I am going to add this skill to my resume. You’re WELCOME.

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